


Why It Feels So Good to Feel So Sad

by alittlebriton



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Episode: S3e18 The Beast Within, Episode: s03ep17 Heavenly Fire, Heavy Angst, M/M, based on promo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 09:18:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18407681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebriton/pseuds/alittlebriton
Summary: Based on the promo for 3x18 and Asmodeus wanting Alec to break Magnus' heart in return for his magic, and based on Magnus telling Alec he wasn't happy.Three ways this could go, all of them heart-breaking. You know, because this situation isn't angsty enough.





	1. I should probably warn you I’ll be just fine

**Author's Note:**

> Titles are from:
> 
> Only Happy When It Rains: Garbage  
> Happy: Pharrell Williams  
> If It Makes You Happy: Sheryl Crow  
> Happy When It Rains: The Jesus and Mary Chain

When Magnus opens the door, of course it’s Alexander standing there, flanked by two brutes who look like they share one brain cell.

“Alec,” he says calmly and Alec inclines his head, his eyes hard.

“We have reason to believe Curtis Hart is within the premises. We have a warrant for his arrest. May we come in?”

“Oh by all means,” Magnus says, sweeping his hand obsequiously to beckon the way and sashaying back towards the bedroom, knowing he’s showing off the claw marks on his back. He still has last night’s make up smudged around his eyes and he can feel the marks Curt left on him throbbing with his elevated pulse. Petty, but he feels it speaks volumes. Warlocks were never meant to be celibate and it’s ludicrous to think that he has been in the three years since he’s seen Alexander.

“Curt, darling? It seems you’ve been a naughty boy.”

Curt pokes his dark head out of the bedroom and blanches when he sees Alec and his goons. They anticipate him bolting and flank him easily, holding his struggling body like it’s a tissue.

“What exactly has he done?” he asks Alec, swirling his morning martini idly between his fingers.

“Participated in the murder of three vampires and the attempted murder of two Shadowhunters.”

Magnus shakes his head sadly. “Oh Curt. I thought you knew how to cover your tracks better than that.”

“Magnus!” Alec bites out, shocked and Magnus grins at him. “Oh hush, I’m teasing. You want him deposited in the Guard?” He twirls his fingers and a portal opens up behind them. Alec nods at his team and they drag a protesting Curt with them, but Alec makes no move to join them.

“Was there something else, Shadowhunter?” Magnus finally looks at Alec again, takes in the new frown lines on his forehead, the sliver of grey at his temple.

Alec looks like he’s going to say something and then his face closes. “No. I apologise for interrupting your morning.”

“This morning is the same as all the others, “ Magnus replies lightly, tilting his head to show off his bruises, watching Alec’s face lose colour. “What can I say.”

“As long as you’re happy,” Alec says with a shuddering inhale, turning to go. Magnus frowns, but can’t resist pressing on the wound.

“Of course I am. I have everything I need.” Magnus watches with a sinking triumph as Alec leaves without another word, and then collapses onto his couch, rubbing his hand over his face. Three years and Alec still has the power to reduce him to nothing but the rawest part of him, a heart that only beats for one. It’s not fair, he thinks, his hand clenching into a fist. It’s not fair at all. He raises his head to survey the New York skyline, spread out beneath him, ready and waiting for all his power, and realises he’s never felt quite so small.


	2. So what if right now, everything’s wrong?

Alec doesn’t know how long he’s walked around New York, unconsciously trailing his usual path towards Magnus’ loft, and has to double back. Magnus isn’t there any more. Magnus is hiding in Alec’s bedroom, not wanting to see anyone, still drinking from Alec’s rapidly dwindling stash of what Magnus assures him is tolerable whisky. He’s so thankful he managed to catch Jace before he barrelled into their room, the congratulations dying on his lips when he took in Alec’s frantic shaking of his head and his pale face. He’d only been able to murmur ‘just not the right time’ as he pulled Jace away and put him in charge of the Institute while he went to find a warlock powerful and willing enough to summon the King of Hell himself.

It wasn’t quite the way he wanted to meet his potential father-in-law.

He’s not stupid, he knows Asmodeus wants Magnus isolated, vulnerable, willing to be by his side. But he knows Magnus would see through him instantly, would never believe him. To be honest, Alec isn’t sure he’d even be able to get the words out. But to get his magic back… Alec has to give him that chance, that choice. Magnus needs to know there’s a way. And since the Soul Sword… well, they’d agreed to be honest with each other. And with Magnus so raw, his soul flayed bare and aching after last night, Alec can’t lie to him. He just can’t.

Magnus is awake at least when he returns to his room, and dressed, which is more than Alec expected. He’s reading, something heavy-looking that he paces with a thud on the table as he looks up at Alec and tries a smile.

“Hey,” Alec says, leaning over to kiss him before sitting down and taking Magnus’ hands.

“Where have you been?” Magnus asks. “Has something happened with Jonathan?”

“No, nothing like that. I, um. I need to talk to you.”

“Oh?” Magnus leans forward, dark circles shadowing his eyes. Alec takes a deep breath and plunges forward.

“I saw your father.”

Magnus’ face does something complicated before taking on a wary, haunted look. “Why would you do that? What did he do to you?!”

“Nothing, nothing, I’m fine,” Alec soothes him, stroking down his silk-covered arms. “But you’re not fine. And he’s the only one that can help.”

“My magic,” Magnus says, looking resigned. “You went to ask for my magic back. Alexander, I could have told you not to bother. All you do is play into his cruelty. He’ll never give it back. It makes him stronger than Lilith.”

Alec inhales slowly. It’s now or never, and he could never keep something this big from Magnus.

“He offered to return it. On one condition.” He watches as Magnus eyes widen, his stomach clenching. “We can’t see each other again.”

Magnus stills, simply freezes in place. “What?” he breathes.

“He wants me to end our relationship. For you to be free of me, of Shadowhunters, free to be bound to him. He told me,” Alec swallows, gripping Magnus’ hands tighter, “he told me to break your heart to save your life.”

“Why are you telling me this,” Magnus asks in a faint voice.

“Because I want you to know that it’s an option. That you can leave me and get your magic back. You could be happy. But I can’t do it, and for that I’m sorry. I’m too selfish to do that to us.” He can’t stop the tears from spilling down his face as he says this.

“I can’t…” Magnus trails off, breaks out of Alec’s hold and drags a hand over his face. “I can’t process this right now, I’m sorry.”

“Magnus…”

“How long?” Magnus stands abruptly and walks to Alec’s window. “How long did he give you to make a decision?”

“Tonight,” Alec says, frowning, something chilled settling across his shoulders, weaving down his chest. “Are you… Magnus, you’re thinking about it.”

“Isn’t that why you told me?” Magnus sounds bitter and Alec swallows around the lump in his throat. “I gave up my magic for you. Isn’t this your way of balance?”

“No!” Alec protests, standing up on wobbling legs. “And you didn’t give it up for me.” Magnus makes a scoffing sound. “Magnus, I will help you however you want. I meant it when I said I want you to be happy.“

Magnus still won’t turn round so Alec can’t tell what he’s thinking. “I have to think about this.”

“Do you?” Alec finally finds his tongue to ask, hating the way it comes out. But given a choice between being a Shadowhunter and being with Magnus, he’d choose Magnus. He knows this in his bones. If the Clave said they’d never accept their relationship, he’d join his mother in becoming a Mundane. He watches as Magnus folds in on himself, his hands clenching by his sides, and then straightens again, agonisingly slowly. Alec feels sick, dizzy; he knows what Magnus is going to say before he turns around and looks at Alec with regretful dark eyes.

“No, not really. I can’t live without my magic.”

“But you can live without me,” Alec finishes numbly, sitting down again like the strings holding him upright had been cut.

“I -,” Magnus begins to plead but Alec raises his hand as if to ward off a blow. “I could never be happy with just this,” he finishes softly, and Alec feels the world around him shatter.


	3. Your lips spoke gold and honey

He can do this, he knows. He can take everything Magnus has shared with him and twist it, poison it, pour it back into his heart so that Magnus can’t bear to look at him, until they become strangers. A few words here and there, enough truth to make the lie take hold.

“I can’t do this. I can’t look after someone so… helpless.”

“Really, it’s been a little pathetic. I wanted a boyfriend, not someone this needy, clingy.”

“I want someone who delights me and interests me. Without your magic, you’re simply… less.”

“You’re not the person I wanted to be with.”

“I don’t love you any more.”

He rolls the last one around his mouth until it no longer sticks on his tongue, voices it to Magnus on the balcony. Magnus rears back like he’s been slapped and then narrow his eyes.

“What’s going on?”

Alec tries another. “You’re a liability. I’ve been… I’ve been feeling like this for a while. I was wrong to think we could work this out. We’re just not meant for each other.”

“Alexander, what are you doing? I might not be myself, but I can tell when you’re hiding something.” Magnus steps closer and grips Alec’s face to peer into his eyes. “Have you been drugged? Did someone cast a spell?” His eyes widen and he drops his hand. “Oh, angel, this is Lilith’s doing again, isn’t it?”

“No!” Alec grapples with Magnus’ wrist and tugs him back before Magnus can march away to do whatever he was thinking of doing to the Queen of Edom.He takes a breath and fixes Magnus with a look as hard as flint.

“What you said before, about how could I want you when you’re like this. You were right. I didn’t want to say before, I think… I think I was lying to myself. But I don’t feel the same way about you. How could I? You’re nothing like the powerful warlock I first met. I mean, look at you.” Alec lets his gaze move up and down Magnus’ body disdainfully, watching him sag.

“What?” Magnus whispers, beginning to tremble.

“I mean, come on Magnus. I’m the Head of the Institute. I can’t be seen with a Mundane, a washed-up old warlock that can’t do anything useful. I’d be laughed at.” Alec can barely believe the things that are coming out of his mouth but he keeps going, keeps talking. He has to sell this. He has to.

“Since when did you care about that?” he asks in a small voice, his fingers curling around Alec’s.

“No one wants you here. You know that. I mean, Jace couldn’t care less about you even though you saved his life. Clary too, both wrapped up in each other. Izzy, well, Izzy’s always had a soft spot for the pathetic ones, look at how she’s friends with Simon. Right now, I can hardly bear to look at you. I used to be so proud of you - your power, your status, your everything. But that spark has gone. And without that, it’s over.”

He forcibly pushes Magnus’ hands away and breaks for the door, not sure he won’t break into tears if he stays a minute longer. “You should probably go. I’m not sure where to since even your old kind don’t want you any more, do they? But I’m sure you’ll think of someone to take you in.”

“Alexander.” His name sounds like it’s ripped from Magnus’ throat, raw and full of pain. Alec pauses in the doorway of his offie, not looking back.

“You can see yourself out,” is all that he manages to say before his throat closes and he all but bolts for his room, not bothering to hold back the tears.

He loses time, hours, minutes. He knows days have passed because Jace brings him soup and tells him to eat something and Izzy signs off his reports for him. He’s not allowed time to indulge in his mourning before Clary lets Jonathan to escape to Edom.

Alec’s just finished alerting the Clave to this latest fuck-up when a portal opens in his office and Magnus strides out, pointing at finger at him.

“You idiot!” he yells, grabbing Alec by his shoulders and shaking him. “Did you think I wouldn’t figure it out? Did you think my father would resist from gloating?”

Alec’s mute, his body flushed hot and he can only shake his head, can’t take his eyes from the fiery presence of Magnus, the warmth of him so close.

“You self-sacrificing asshole,” Magnus keeps scolding him. “You really think I’d be ok with you leaving me? For my own good? What kind of decision is that? You didn’t even let me choose, Alexander.”

Alec opens his mouth to protest, to say something about how he hadn’t wanted to burden Magnus with that choice when the sensible decision was to take the magic and live forever. But Magnus throws a finger up in front of his mouth and Alec shuts his jaw with an audible click.

“I don’t know what was even going through that head of yours. Oh I’m sure it was something stupid like how I’d forget you eventually. As if I’d ever forget about you,” Magnus mutters, almost to himself. “I mean, he completely underestimated my feelings for you. Why my father thinks he can just… ruin my life for his gain. And you! You played right into his hands. You won’t be meeting him again any time soon. We’re keeping things strictly your side of the family from now on.”

He sways on his feet and clutches at Magnus’ forearms, his mouth working soundlessly, unable to stop staring at Magnus. His Magnus, who softens, his eyes crinkling at the edges as he reaches to cup Alec’s jaw with one hand. “You perfect idiot,” he murmurs.

“It was the best way I knew to love you,” Alec finally croaks and gives into tears when Magnus presses his forehead against Alec’s.

“I’m sorry. Magnus, I’m so sorry.” Magnus kisses the apology from his lips, wraps his arms around him and holds him close, trembling with anger, relief, too many emotions for Alec to catalogue.

“Oh my darling. The best way to love me is to keep loving me. Can you promise to do that?”

“For the rest of my life,” Alec vows and kisses him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This last chapter has been translated into Russian! Find it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18409922


End file.
